Remember the good stuff...

Forget the bad.

As a mother, I tend to focus on the negativity of the day, not all the stuff that went right. Lately I've been feeling very stressed, I feel as if I have all these stressors on me all at one time: the lawn needs mowing, but how is it going to get done? The carpet in Marble's bedroom needs a severe cleaning, when will I find the time? The house needs cleaning, how do I do that with a child that needs my constant attention? There are plenty of other things, but we'll just leave it at that. The baby has a terrible habit of taking naps on me. This is the current habit I am trying to break with him. I am not having the best of luck with it. I get him down usually for naps, but then he only takes a 30 minute nap, which is a problem. It isn't a problem at that exact moment, but by 4 he is so tired he is screaming, crying, kicking, and inconsolable for a long time. I get incredibly irritated, tired, and stressed by this. It makes me not want to continue the sleep training for naps(we have night sleeping down quite well). Everyone tells me it will get better, but it is just so dang hard. I think I broke down crying twice today, I don't think I've cried in over a month.

Alright, now to celebrate all that has been going right. I do get him to take naps in his crib. I have been able to keep a presentable house for the past year by myself. I have exclusively breastfed our child for over 6 months now. I have taken care of a baby for the first time(I never babysat) all by myself for over 6 months. I have managed to do most of the household stuff on time(the oil needs changing in the car and that is overdue, oops). I have managed to join plenty of mom's groups so our son gets plenty of interaction with other children and he loves being around other people! I get our son to sleep usually 11 hours straight at night. I went to a Marilyn Manson concert by myself. Overall, I'd have to say I've done quite good for myself the past year. I will say this though, the month of May can finish up already, I'm ready to hug my husband again. After he gets back, I don't want to hold a conversation over instant messenger ever again! I love my husband, my child, and my life, and myself.

A tired mother

I've been asked a lot lately by other mothers, "How do you do it?" Honestly, I'm not sure anymore. I just pass the days. I am so tired at the end of the day I have to force myself to eat. I love being a mother and I have a great time playing with my little man, but yes, I'm tired. Today is one of those especially hard days, I just want to sleep, uninterrupted, not worrying or thinking that my sleep with be interrupted by a crying child. It's okay though, he is a baby and he only wakes because he is hungry, I can't blame him. Plus, he is way too cute :) I look forward to my husband's return. I am really looking forward to adult conversation again. Alright, I'm too tired to write any more. Soon bed after I eat and tomorrow is a new day.

Reflections on Deployment

I have gone through numerous emotions during this deployment. While I was pregnant, it was exciting and fun to be on my own. We would joke on the webcam and have tons of fun, totally unaware of what was to come. That's the thing about pregnancy, it's exciting, and it should be. Another emotion I have gone through is anger. I become angry because I feel I was cheated or I should say we, were cheated from an experience we were both supposed to share. I currently do not know what it feels like to parent as a couple. Yes, my husband is there for me, we talk about things and how we want to parent, but it just isn't the same. I can't expect anyone to really understand this. I know many people have been single parents and lived and I feel incredibly lucky that I have such a loving and caring husband, someone that wants to be with me and such a great provider. I can not express enough how grateful I am to have such a great husband. He has made such great sacrifices for the family. I get frustrated with the world, and yes family also, that it just seems no one cares. He is in a war zone and people just continue to live their lives like it is completely normal. Well, it's not. Anyway, this blog isn't about that. I am just happy that I have a husband that knows that I love him and I think about him daily, and not just because we have a son together.

Being alone with a baby everyday is challenging in so many ways. There is the stress of wanting to make sure I am the best parent possible. There are the multiple wakings during the night, though it is getting better, we are now at 1-2 a night. There is the stress of never really being able to sit down and do something, everything is on baby time. I might start a load of laundry at 8am and not finish it until 8pm, but that is just how it is. Then there is the eating. I love breastfeeding and feel sad when I think about him starting solids, but it is very demanding to be his only source of food. Yes, people say, start him on rice cereal, but there is really no reason for that. He is doing quite fine of breastmilk alone and there is no nutritional value in the rice cereal. Then there is my eating. Since a baby is so demanding, I have a hard time working in my own meals. Today I had a successful lunch. While breastfeeding the baby, I ate a grilled cheese sandwich, drank tomato soup out of the individual container and even had a bowl of ice cream, now that was a great lunch! Though many of my meals are usually eaten after he goes to bed at night and usually something quick in the microwave for lunch that I can eat with 1 hand.

Lately I have felt great joy being a mother. I can't wait until he gets up again in the morning to play. His laughs, how he thinks everything is funny, watching him explore his world and play, I just can't get enough. Something I have told my husband many times, I love that boy so much it hurts. It makes me happy and sad to see him growing up.

As the end of the deployment nears, which it really isn't all that close yet, but in my eyes it is close. I can't help but get excited. I find myself daydreaming quite often. I imagine my husband playing with our son, the 2 of them interacting and I can't help but smile. Sure, it will be nice to have the help, but in all honesty, I'm just looking forward to seeing the two of them interact and bond. I can't wait to see our family together.

I apologize for my thoughts being all over the place, but it really does feel good just to let it all out. I will look back at the first 6-7 months of our sons life as a very special time. I got the opportunity to see what I was made of, I got to bond with our son like I only could have in this situation. I do try to stay positive in this life and something I read recently really hit the nail on the head. How great that I get to have the opportunity to share a first kiss with my husband again. Soon we will be together forever :)

Naps

Today is day #2 of me enforcing the baby taking naps in his crib after I rock him to sleep. Yesterday was a struggle. The first 2 times putting him down he would cry and cry so I'd rock him all over again while he cried because he was so tired. I then had to go somewhere, so those attempts ended. Luckily, I tried it again that afternoon and he slept an hour after I put him down.

Today I put him down in his crib after I rocked him to sleep so I could take a shower. He is normally crying by the time I get out of the shower. This time he was still sleeping. I hear him now crying just a little or maybe I should call it fussing. He slept for about a total of 45 minutes. I'll be trying it again later! Anyway, I planned on writing more, but the baby calls my name(with cries that is).

Oh, parenting

Today I left my comfort zone. After a visit with the social worker that does parenting classes at my house every other week, we came to find that my little boy isn't getting the chance to explore his world as much as he should be. Why is this? Because I hold him and I don't let him fuss. The solution to this problem, putting him down, letting him explore, and letting him fuss and cry a little bit. This makes me uncomfortable. I tried it today and it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I was able to get some things done that I've been wanting to for a while, even though at some points he was crying, but that is okay. I got to him as soon as I could and all was fine. I will work on it again tomorrow.

I am also working on making him take naps in his crib. This one isn't going as well. I often give in and let him sleep on me, even though he doesn't sleep well on me any more. He doesn't really nap well in his crib either. Eventually something will have to give and it will just take time and practice also.

Today overall was a good day. I still miss my husband terribly and still count down the days every day, but that is okay. Every day is 1 day closer to him being home with me, and that makes me happy :)

I accomplished quite a bit today, which also makes me very happy. The sound of the baby crying doesn't make me cringe nearly as badly as it used to. I am becoming more comfortable. Tomorrow I have a meet up I've been looking forward to for 2 weeks, I just hope the weather cooperates as it might ice and snow tonight.

The baby loves his baths, so even though he didn't need one tonight, I gave him one. He, of course, loved it. Today I took the sling out of the infant bath tub and it works much better now. I guess he was too big for the sling part of it now. I returned $50 worth of diapers to Target today, but they wouldn't take back 2 of the packages because I guess they weren't bought there. I think I bought them at the commissary, so I'll have to try returning them there. If they don't take them, I'll have to make the baby somehow fit in them until they are gone. I'm sure he would, but they are just seeming like they are starting to get too small.  I bought 3 new shirts(all on clearance of course) tonight without trying them on first. Trying things on is impossible when wearing an infant. I tried them on when I got home and love all 3 of them, so that is great.

Not much else to write tonight. Tomorrow my little boy turns 3 months :) Only 2 more weeks until I get to spend a couple of weeks with family. I am nervous of course that all those horrid feelings are going to come back when I get back to my home after that visit, but that is something I will deal with if and when it happens. I can't believe the next month he will be 4 months already. From the sounds of it, when they turn 5 months, that is when things really change. I'm looking forward to seeing him grow and develop! Now I'm just hoping this sleeping pattern he has sticks, I love the 7-8 hour stretch he gives me at night, now if only I didn't stay up for 2 hours after he goes to bed...

He's changing...

I wouldn't say today was a bad day, just a very tiring day. I feel completely burnt out. Up until now, I've felt like I could really predict what the son wanted and needed at any time. He has changed today. He suddenly fusses and I can't figure out why. I think he's tired, but he doesn't want to sleep, even when rocking him for an hour, he will just cry and cry. He wants to nurse often, but not often enough to be considered a growth spurt I think. He calmed down tonight when I put him on the floor on his playmat to play. After he started fussing with that I decided it was time to get him ready for bed. I put him on the changing table and put the straps on him and sorted through all of his clothes so I would know exactly what he has and if I need anything soon. He was perfectly content that 1/2 hour just laying there on the changing table. I had him sit on the floor today and I swear he sat by himself for 5 whole seconds. He loves to smile and flirt with me in the morning, but by afternoon he fusses and I no longer can figure out what to really do, so I resort to nursing him. I'm just at a loss. I realize I'll figure it out again and once I do it will change again, but like I said, I'm burnt out.

Otherwise, we had a good day. I went to jazzercise this morning and the son managed to have everyone drooling over him. I hung out with a friend and her baby for about 3 hours in the afternoon, that was enjoyable. I have 4 things of diapers to return and I'm not really looking forward to it. I really hope they take them all back, because I'm not sure if 2 of the packages I got at Target. It's like 400 diapers I'm returning, yikes! He's just getting too big for the #1s, onto the 2s! Also, on a positive note, it has been 3 days in a row my son has slept 7 hours straight at night. I would not put money on it tonight that this is going to happen though. I'll be happy with the every 3 hours I used to get, if nothing else.

Tomorrow is a new day, new chances, new learning, more fun. Tomorrow I plan on going to a playgroup and a meeting for people that have their spouses deployed. I haven't been to that meeting before so I'm not sure how it will go. I hope it's not a pity party or anything, because that is the last thing I need. I better go make myself a sandwich so I can go to bed, I'm beat.

A day of learning: For mother and son

As I sit here watching my son play on the floor for the past hour, I thought to myself, why haven't I tried this before? Maybe I have. I have put him on the floor before, but he usually fusses and cries about it. I am left wondering if maybe this is a growth thing. He has been going 7 hour stretches for sleep for the past 2 nights. Maybe he is just growing. Or maybe it is absolutely nothing, as babies change constantly.

Today was a fairly good day. I find myself missing my husband more and more. I wonder if it is because we are 7 months in now, which feels like 9 since he was gone for 2 months before he left. I have met some great friends in the past 2 weeks and I hope those friendships continue to grow. I am looking forward to going home and seeing family, but I will be a little sad to miss out on some of the meetups. Luckily, those groups will still exist when I get back :)

Today I went with a friend to a new meet up which was a ways away, so we carpooled. It was fun to meet more new people and get out of the house. I think I will continue to carpool with her every Monday :) We then went to Ikea afterward, where I bought toys for the son that he is way too young to play with, but I couldn't resist! After that, we came home and just nursed and took naps the rest of the day. I know, not very exciting, but that was the day. I am currently waiting for him to get tired enough to go to bed. I have a baked potato calling my name! If I would have known he was going to like the floor so much, I would have cooked it up in the microwave while he was playing, oh well. Oh, I also took out all the garbages, vacuumed the floor, and cleaned out the vacuum since it was quite full. I was happy to see in the waste management website that garbage day is a day off this week, I forgot to get the garbage out there today for pick up tomorrow, but now I have an extra day!

I am also anxiously awaiting my sister to have her baby. I don't want her to have it early, especially this early, but I'm just so excited!

I managed to not have any of those anxious feelings today, that is huge for me. I didn't even wake up with any anxiety like I normally do. This makes me wonder if my hormones are finally going back to where they should be. The plan tomorrow is to go to jazzercise in the morning and then hang out with my friend for a couple hours in the afternoon. I would also like to get 2 loads of laundry done. Well, that is it for now, I think the boy is actually dozing off on the floor, which is my queue to get him ready for bed, fed, and put him down for the night!

An Honest Blog about Motherhood

A warning, I plan on writing this blog as honest as possible. No sugar coating, just as is information.

I'll start out saying this, I would never wish single motherhood on anyone, it is by far the most difficult thing I have ever experienced. That aside, I love being a mother and please keep that in mind when you read anything I write.

As many of you don't know or maybe you do, I experienced what I would consider severe baby blues. It lasted weeks and was horrid, it makes me fear the possibility of another child some day. I have almost overcome these "blues" and am now a much happier person. I'm not going to go into detail of these blues, just that they were very hard to deal with as I have never felt such strong emotions as them before. So ladies, if you have experienced the baby blues, like 80% of women, you are not alone.

I have a wonderful child. He turned 11 weeks today. In my eyes, he is perfect and is so smart already! He has been able to roll over from his stomach to his back since 4 weeks. According to the babycenter website, he is already doing all of the "advanced" milestones for his age. He makes me laugh every day. I really love that I get this time with him and I am his mother. His laughs, smiles, and explosive happiness makes it impossible for me to ever be mad at him, even when he is getting me up sometimes every 2 hours at night(sometimes less).

Now onto today. Today we went to jazzercise, where he was very good through almost the whole thing, though I did need to nurse him the last 15 minutes, oh well. We then came home and after showering very quickly and getting dressed, we were back out the door after 15 minutes to meet a friend at the mall. My friend has an adorable daughter who is 3 weeks older than Layton. We had a great time at the mall, wandering, stopping in JC Penney to nurse Layton, he then slept in the Bjorn and then woke up when we went to eat at Panera. We got home around 2pm and just hung around the house. Layton wasn't feeling the best, I think his stomach was bothering him, so he slept(and cried) on me while I watched Glee and wanted to nurse for comfort. Luckily, that passed and he was a very happy boy around 5pm. We skyped with my parents for about a half hour. I put him down for bed around 9pm and ate some supper. Unfortunately, I think I may be getting a cold, which I am definitely not looking forward to, as I am the only caretaker for Layton currently and I am not looking forward to the challenge. I will have to find out what I can take as a nursing mother. I am also not looking forward to the fact that if I really do have a cold, I will also be dealing with a sick baby alone. I will survive, this I know, I may be tired, but I will survive.

All in all, we had a really good day. I miss my husband so much and I am literally counting down the days that I hope when he will return(I'm really starting to like the count). I would say the hardest things about single parenting are these: loneliness, no one to pass the baby off to when I need to take a break, no one to share the special moments with, and no one to share the stress with. I'm sure there are others, though I'm so tired at the moment, I can't really think too straight. So on that note, I'm going to bed.

I am now a mother

I plan on keeping this blog more as a journal than anything else. I would like to journal what I do every day, even if it really is nothing, but I think it would be fun to look back and also record what goes on with my life as a new mother every day. I will start with the day I became a mother.


Layton was due on November 25, no one guessed he would have been an October baby. On October 28th, I noticed my braxton hicks, which I had been getting for weeks were starting to have some pain associated with them, but nothing big. I called my doula, told her what was going on. She told me it was likely nothing since I was so early(36 weeks) but that I should go to bed early just in case, so I did. The next morning I knew something was going on. I went to the bathroom and there was quite a bit of pink discharge, TMI, I know. I called the doula again. She told me it could still be nothing, since I was so late in the pregnancy that it could all be normal. So around 10am I started talking to my husband on the webcam, as he is in Afghanistan at the time. There was a braxton hick(or I guess a contraction) and there was a little bit of pain and I felt a little bit of fluid, but nothing strange. Then there was another one(I wasn't timing them or anything, but it wasn't any more than 5 minutes when the next one came). A 3rd contraction came and my water broke, full blown water breaking. It was great my husband was on the webcam as it happened because then he knew to stay up for the night. I called my doula back and told her what happened. She told me to call the hospital and let them know I was coming and to call my ride. So that is exactly what I did. My ride got to the house and I think I was in some kind of denial about what was going on. I was trying to pack up everything on my list for the hospital, which, by the way, you don't use any of that stuff you bring to the hospital. I kept having to stop because of contractions and all the fluid leakage. Finally, about an hour later, we left for the hospital. I am glad we did too! By the time we got to the hospital, I was in so much pain! After checking the baby on an ultrasound, ensuring my water really did break, which they did just by lifting up my gown, they checked to see how far I was dilated, 4 cm! So what felt like forever and laboring in the triage room, bent over the bed and the doula rubbing my back, they sent me to the delivery room. After laboring there, at about 6-7 cm I decided I wanted the epidural. The contractions were coming less than 15 seconds apart and I was getting tired. So the guy came in and it took him about 30 minutes to place the epidural and it was great! I am really glad I labored so long without it, but I really don't see how I could have had enough energy for pushing without it. At about 7:30pm, they told me I had to start pushing, as the baby's heart rate was starting to go goofy or something(I really don't remember what they told me). So I started pushing with each contraction. They ended up having to give me pitocin because for some reason my contractions were stopping. After about an hour and a half of pushing, they told me they were going to have to use forceps because the baby had to come out. So at 9:16pm our little boy was born into the world and perfect! He was 6 pounds 7 ounces, 18.5 inches long. His Apgar was 9/9. He took to nursing right away. During all of this, my husband was on the phone with me. It was disappointing that he couldn't be on the webcam, but looking back, it was such a great experience and I feel so happy I was able to share it with him.

Looking back on my birth story of Layton, I would do the whole day over and over again in a heartbeat it was so wonderful. I can't really think of anything negative about it, even with my husband missing :)