I have gone through numerous emotions during this deployment. While I was pregnant, it was exciting and fun to be on my own. We would joke on the webcam and have tons of fun, totally unaware of what was to come. That's the thing about pregnancy, it's exciting, and it should be. Another emotion I have gone through is anger. I become angry because I feel I was cheated or I should say we, were cheated from an experience we were both supposed to share. I currently do not know what it feels like to parent as a couple. Yes, my husband is there for me, we talk about things and how we want to parent, but it just isn't the same. I can't expect anyone to really understand this. I know many people have been single parents and lived and I feel incredibly lucky that I have such a loving and caring husband, someone that wants to be with me and such a great provider. I can not express enough how grateful I am to have such a great husband. He has made such great sacrifices for the family. I get frustrated with the world, and yes family also, that it just seems no one cares. He is in a war zone and people just continue to live their lives like it is completely normal. Well, it's not. Anyway, this blog isn't about that. I am just happy that I have a husband that knows that I love him and I think about him daily, and not just because we have a son together.
Being alone with a baby everyday is challenging in so many ways. There is the stress of wanting to make sure I am the best parent possible. There are the multiple wakings during the night, though it is getting better, we are now at 1-2 a night. There is the stress of never really being able to sit down and do something, everything is on baby time. I might start a load of laundry at 8am and not finish it until 8pm, but that is just how it is. Then there is the eating. I love breastfeeding and feel sad when I think about him starting solids, but it is very demanding to be his only source of food. Yes, people say, start him on rice cereal, but there is really no reason for that. He is doing quite fine of breastmilk alone and there is no nutritional value in the rice cereal. Then there is my eating. Since a baby is so demanding, I have a hard time working in my own meals. Today I had a successful lunch. While breastfeeding the baby, I ate a grilled cheese sandwich, drank tomato soup out of the individual container and even had a bowl of ice cream, now that was a great lunch! Though many of my meals are usually eaten after he goes to bed at night and usually something quick in the microwave for lunch that I can eat with 1 hand.
Lately I have felt great joy being a mother. I can't wait until he gets up again in the morning to play. His laughs, how he thinks everything is funny, watching him explore his world and play, I just can't get enough. Something I have told my husband many times, I love that boy so much it hurts. It makes me happy and sad to see him growing up.
As the end of the deployment nears, which it really isn't all that close yet, but in my eyes it is close. I can't help but get excited. I find myself daydreaming quite often. I imagine my husband playing with our son, the 2 of them interacting and I can't help but smile. Sure, it will be nice to have the help, but in all honesty, I'm just looking forward to seeing the two of them interact and bond. I can't wait to see our family together.
I apologize for my thoughts being all over the place, but it really does feel good just to let it all out. I will look back at the first 6-7 months of our sons life as a very special time. I got the opportunity to see what I was made of, I got to bond with our son like I only could have in this situation. I do try to stay positive in this life and something I read recently really hit the nail on the head. How great that I get to have the opportunity to share a first kiss with my husband again. Soon we will be together forever :)
